I could just sit in a bar and wait for the jobs to come to me.

     So, being jobless, like all the rest of so many other people today. I was a bit depressed when I lost my job not two months after moving to Austin. Then I was shocked when I was suddenly picked up as a QA tester for Trion Worlds. I was so far one of the most enjoyable jobs I had. Right up there with working at the Starbucks I worked at. The work, although it was work, didn't feel like work. Everything I did was enjoyable. Granted people can say, well it's because you're playing a video game. People who've never done that type of work kind of look at it through rose colored glasses. It is work and the game is less fun when you are not playing it for enjoyment but for testing, you have to keep eye on not losing yourself in a game but pay attention to all the things that could be wrong with the game. To keep a fresh look on what a person who has never played this game before will think of it is a difficult task. After playing it for over a year you take things that you know about if for granted and you look past some of the flaws because you know there way around them becoming a hassle to deal with. It is the work I have enjoyed the most from all the different types of jobs I have had. The testing of ways to break gaming programs is something that I would be willing to do for 80 hours a week if they would let me. I am sure my health would suffer if I had to do that but, I don't think I would ever get tired of that job. I am sad that it is no longer what I am doing, and I have been unsuccessful in looking for a new Gaming QA job.
       It was helpful that right after I was let go Wendy and I went on a vacation. for the first few days it was all I could think about was, what am I going to do for a new job and it was really getting me down. By Tuesday of that week I had stopped thinking about that and just relaxed and enjoyed myself. I had put in for unemployment before we left on the trip and I had lots of things too fill out when I got back. I've bee checking job listings on line and updating my resume on those job hunting sites. It is weird that It feels like I am doing very little in finding a job, simply filling out applications on line, takes about 3 hours tops of the day, and the rest of the time I sit around and think about what I can do with myself. I guess I'll start cleaning the house. It feels really easy to get discouraged to keep looking for a job when you don't hear back from places. It only took me about a month too find a job after the contract with Point Serve ended.  I have this feeling like it is not going to be as easy.  Maybe I'll find a seasonal job for the holidays, I don't know.  I hope Wendy doesn't get frustrated with me.  I would rather not be looked at as some bum just living off of her work.  Some times she makes me feel that way even when I was working.  I can only do what I can a home for now, which is clean and cook dinner for her.  I hope that is enough to keep her from kicking me out and finding someone who has a job.   I'm not trying to say that Wendy would do that sort of thing, it is just one of the things I fear of happening.  If I get the motivation if I haven't found a job after a while maybe I'll try and be an extra in some kind of commercial or film.  I think I said it back in a previous post that some one told me I have a good look for that.  Every one likes to stare that the big scary "injun."  I know that do it all the time when I go anywhere as it is.  Maybe I should contact my friend William and see if I can help him with this film.  I'm not sure which skills I have that he'll find useful but who knows I'm pretty good at anything I set out to do.  If I had the spare cash maybe I'll set up a forge in my backyard and make little bits of crap to sell on Etsy or something like that.  Oil myself up and pound on some iron in the back yard while Wendy takes pictures. That'll get the ladies buying shit. I'm joking I doubt that will take off.
      I'm just writing this too keep up with my postings,  I don't really want to go months without posting anything I will too try and make this a habit I can keep up with.  I am already slacking on my running in the mornings because I cut my foot on the bottom of the gulf when I was swimming in Mexico.  I'm waiting for it to finish healing,  It as stopped hurting but I'll give it a few days before I start up with that again.  If I don't I'll hope that some of the people that read this will pester me about it so I start up again.  I'd do that same for you.  Honestly I have no idea how many people actually do read this.  I would think it is kind of boring since it is really just be going on and on about the crap in my life.  It isn't like I am talking about the amazing things I do everyday like fight dragons and rescue virgins from the clutches of evil elephants.  Don't fool yourself those elephants are fucking evil,  If you don't think they are, it will be too late before you see the trunk coming down.
      I digress, this has probably gone on long enough, I'm not going to include any pretty pictures from the trip.  Maybe I'll save that for a new post.  They wouldn't really go here very well anyway, this is just me trying to vent about looking for a job.  I'll title the next one something about wretched hives of scum and villainy I have have visited and just post all the pictures I have taken with my pretty new camera.  I still have to figure out how I am going to get Christmas presents for people when I've got no cash flow,  Looks like everyone is getting cookies made for them.  Cookies and Fry bread for Everyone!  Just send me your mailing address and I'll send you some cookies and fry bread, for Christmas.  That will get you lurkers who read my posts but never comment out of the wood work!  You like me because I'm a scoundrel.
    Ian.

Hello everyone this is post is written after I have been laid off from Trion Worlds. I worked for them for a year, it really was the most fun I have had in a year. The people I have worked with and the ones I have have had a chance too meet have been amazing. I really hope to be with them again some day. Sadly I was let go because I was no longer necessary. I don't hold any ill will with anyone that was involved with the project, I only wish I could have given more to the project than I was able to. Trion Wolds was a great company to work for. Much better than the other gaming companies that I have worked for, I only wish them the best and that they are able to put out more quality games. I really wish there was me to say over this but for the life of me I can't recall any depth of character. I will remember in the songs of the the ones that have come after me.

I could never be the center of the universe.

     With the hurricane hitting the east coast of the US right now.  Specifically New York.  I've noticed that if not for the ability to communicate outside of yelling distance. It would seem to the people in the effected area that the whole world was experiencing this storm.  Before the ability to communicate rapidly across great distance, it would seem like every natural disaster was happening to the entire world.  This mind set can be seen all over.

      Generally most films are based in a city, where the events take place, and the person is immersed into a world where nothing outside of that area exists.  It is easier for the person to follow this kind of story, it is also easier for the write to write the story without confusing the reader.  If it is happening in that area nothing that is happening outside of that area matters.  It is pouring rain in that area it is pouring rain on the world.  If a food shortage is happening in that area it is happening to the rest of the world.   Maybe that food shortage is due to lack of access to your area, roads, rails, or shipping is unable to reach you.  Meanwhile a few 100 miles away there are people sitting down to and over indulgent lunch.  The rain is pouring in sheets but 200 miles away in California there are people sunning on the beach.
     It is the stories that I find most interesting when the story is not so centrally focused as to blur the outside world out of existence.  Where you find yourself not just interested in a single set of characters interacting but several different stories happening in the same world, with different stets of characters interacting with one another and across those smaller stories into the larger story as a whole.  These types of stories give me the most intrigue.  I experienced this the first time with Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.  There multiple stories happening at once, and then coming together to finish have always given me a better experience than just a single story following a linear path. This is what the world is like every single day.  Maybe these stories don't come together but they are happening all around us.

       It is that philosophy that at the moment that you no longer see what is going on it no longer exists.  I find myself at times of being alone, that I think about what else is going on around me.  Some one some where is getting into a car accident, some one has just purchased a new TV and are really excited about it.  Some one just burnt themselves on a bit of food that just took out of a microwave.  This line of that that all around you people are doing things you do every day, makes me feel like part of something, as insignificant as our existence is to the universe as a whole.  Knowing that you are part of a larger happening is almost inspirational.  As you read this right now, think about the people working that power the website, as you sit in your chair think about the person who designed and build that chair,  Some working in China, most likely. Not that that I am going to start some political high horse of where we get our goods from.  Think about the person working at the power plant that is allowing you to do all the things you need to work. 

      The thought of the millions  of little stories that go on every single day, even while you are sleeping or doing nothing.  There are people contributing to even allow you to be that sedentary.   It is not something most people think about on a regular basis.  When you start to think about it though it is a bit humbling.  You are not worthless you are part a greater whole.  Something you do is going to effect someone else.  Even the bums on the street, they server a purpose.  They might serve as a deterrent to never give up on what you are doing so you don't end up like them.  They may inspire you to help out the less fortunate.  We are all connected some way or another.  You just have to stretch out to the idea of chaos theory to find connections to the most isolated people, the ones in Africa, the ones in South America.  I'll not get into that kind of connection but it there.

First World Problems

     Now there is a large concentration of people on the east coast of the United States.  It is defiantly going to make an impact in those who's lives are effected by the clash of weather that is happening.  It is cool and sunny here in Central Texas, nothing prefect weather actually, but everyone on the east coast thinks that the weather everywhere is horrible, because they are focused on their own narrow bubble of existence   I am in no way trying to call these people narrow minded.  I am simply pointing out that the idea everyone constantly never looks past their on narrow view of the world.  I am sure this exist all around the world but I know that Americans are particularly susceptible to this.  It has to do with our culture of everyone for themselves, which may appear to be weakness but if fact is hidden strength.  When one person is trying to do all the work it is in fact weak, but when you take many of those people, put a common goal of to achieve that, where they are all striving to do there best at reaching that goal, the team effort will take over.  Everyone individuality wants to be the best so the compete inside that team to be the best, all pushing each other to achieve that goal.  That is capitalism at it's finest.  I can go dark, when sabotage happens inside that in order to be the best, but I digress.  

Haiti

     At the moment everyone is looking to the east coast, maybe a lot of people don't realize that Hawaii is about about to be hit by a tsunami.  I am sure everyone in Hawaii is well aware of this fact but there are people in the east coast right no that couldn't give two shits about that.  Why should they what his happening to the is what is directly more important to their quality of life, not what his happening on a remote island thousands of miles from them.  We also have a very short memory of things that happen all over the world.  We hardly think of anything that happened in Haiti or Japan that crippled those countries.  They are still repairing the damage.  No one thinks about it anymore, hell aren't we still building the Trade Center, that was 11 years ago.  Never forgetting something is actually unhealthy, it is part of the healing process to let go of the feelings and memories of the events.  Reliving them is what they call P.T.S.D. now.  

Joy and Pain

     The next time you think your life is miserable, or that nothing is going right for you, think about the billions of people all over the world, realized that you are 1 among them,  that no matter how bad you feel at the moment, some one just lost their child to a disease, someone just got a promotion, someone just found out they are pregnant.  I'm not saying this to belittle your own problems or rewards in life, I am saying this to let you know that there is a world outside your life, that cares about as much for you as you care for it.  Keep your eyes open to everything around you, and realize everyone is human. Everyone suffers and everyone knows joy.  No one is immortal.

being timeless would keep me in shape.

     The funniest thing about people I have noticed is that they expect the people on film to stay looking the same for the rest of their lives.  It is most noticeable in a film that has been ingrained into your cultural psyche like Star Wars.  None of the actors that were in that film back in 1977 look the same as they did.  People see Carrie Fisher now, and think "What happened to you?!"  Well that's easy, time happened to her.  Granted there are people that choose to deny their own natural aging like Joan Rivers and Cher.  They end up looking like some strange kind of doll.  Granted she doesn't look her age, but she doesn't look normal either. It comes down to taking care of yourself.  I'm not that old by any stretch of the idea, maybe I'm just at the point when I think that I should probably be taking better care of myself, and I think about the fact that I'm too old be become any good a gymnastics.  Not that it is something I ever really wanted to do but I look at the people that can do things like that and I feel a bit envious.

Joan Rivers 1960

    I am however young enough to get into shape, and perhaps gain a bit of muscle mass.  I'm already a big guy, from the perspective of what others have told me.  When I was 18, I was very fit, being in both swimming and marching band.  Now I feel like I could be keeping in better shape than I am.  I've gained 60 lbs. since high school.  Maybe that isn't a lot for some people, but the idea of breaking the 300 lb barrier makes me feel fat.  I'm not trying to demean anyone's struggles with weight.  I'm just stating my own feelings about my weight.  As I said in post a few months ago, I was going to start running.  That plan fell a bit behind because I was unable to find a routine to work into my week.  I think I have found one, and now I am ready to commit to it. 

     Enough about my plans to get into shape, what really made me want to write this is the notion of eternal beauty or youth.  It is the entertainment industry that helps add to this idea.  Once some one is on film they remain that age in people eyes for much longer than a real person normally would.  Carry Fisher has been 25 years old, dressed in that golden bikini for over 29 years.  All those nerds that saw her in it, which was filmed in the early 1980,  they see 

Joan Rivers 2012

her now and wonder what happened to the petty girl they had those fantasies about?  Well, she had children, she had a drug and alcohol problems, she went through depression.   They are all things that contribute to the aging and break down of a person's body.  There are a lot of Teens and 20-somethings that think they are going to be beautiful forever. I know I'm probably guilty in thinking that.  I just figured I always had time to turn things around.  It is a kind of downward spiral of laziness.   The more you feel like sitting on  your ass, the more you sit on your ass.  You gain weight you keep sitting on your ass because you don't want to put out the effort to move your ass.  Then you suddenly realized you're buying pants that are several inches larger than you'd ever thought you'd have to buy.  It hits you like this creepy epiphany, and you want to just magically go back to being 20. Then not fuck up that next 10 years.  You can't however, now you have to work that  idiotic mistake off. Well maybe that's just another adventure in this thing called life.

     The idea though of being stuck in time, the torture some actors must feel at seeing their younger selves,  The great shape they were in, the good looks they had, maybe that is why they feel that need to maintain that look.  The pressure to remain ageless,  to always look 26 years old at peak athletic ability. It must be painful.

     You're older then you ever were and now you're even older, and now you're even older, and now you're older still.  You're not going to be 23 again even though there is a beautiful film of you showing off your body.  Everyone who sees that film expects to see you looking like that when they meet you in person.  That is horrible to subject anyone to that.  If you don't look like then, people get mad at you they feel let down.  They think you are a failure for not maintaining the look you had, back when you were so young that nothing you did would really effect that look.  The thought of growing old it terrifying for some.  I would imagine.  women feel the most pressure, if they start out in the industry beautiful and were cast for being beautiful then as their looks fade, their talents as an actress must be even better than the fact they are no longer in Hollywood's narrow view of beauty.  It doesn't just happen to porn actresses, it happens to all of them.  As their looks fade and so do their presents on the screen.  Sigorney Weaver has stayed in the game for a while,  you can speculate on weather she has had any work done, chances are she has.  Her looks were not completely about being beautiful, and more about being strong and tough looking, while appearing vulnerable.
      Men, however get a bit of a break.  They can get older, their hair can turn grey, they can lose that look of youthfulness, and become "dignified."  They can't become fat though, once they gain wait, gain a belly or a double chin, they are done.  Val Kilmer has fall to this, young and beautiful for all those years, he got older.  I am not sure weather it was just becoming weary of maintaining his weight or if it was a medical condition that caused him to gain weight but, people are suddenly point out what a failure he is.

     The point I was trying to make when I see people who complain about how an actress or actor who use to be hot, that person lives in a bubble of time in which they think the actor must remain. They are just people, don't age and remain beautiful for their entire lives.  The actors you see on the screen are not gods they are regular people. If one could live inside that bubble of time, where you were always young and beautiful and fit, it would be great, but you'd have to be swinging off of Jabba's barge before it explodes for the rest of eternity, like groundhogs day.  After a while you'd just want to kill yourself because every day is exactly the same.  

Sorry no ninjas in this one. 

You like me because I'm a scoundrel,

          Ian

This post might more interesting

   
     I hate those moments when I feel like writing but there is nothing I can think of to write about.  It is like a burp you can feel in your chest but no matter what you do that little annoying pocket of air is stuck right there. You don't want to force it too much because what if you end up bring up more than just the gas?  But you want it to go away because it is annoying you, it is not painful but persistent   That is what it is like when I suddenly feel the urge to write but don't have anything in particular to write about.  Maybe it is these moments that free writing might be it's most productive.

Everyone loves a picture of Cthulhu in a blog.

     Essentially I am doing that now by just writing about having nothing to write about.  The problem with this is that what I maybe writing is more than likely not going  to entertain the reader much.  It is just mindless writing to get words onto a page to satisfy some mental or emotional need to write.  I don't know if this effects many people, it doesn't often happen to me but when it dose I find myself scribbling on a paper, or writhing quotes from films, and I open up Word and stare at the empty white page and think, look at all the potential to fill this thing with nonsense.   It is what I do most of the time I see any opportunity to inject my thoughts into anything.   

     People call that trolling, that is the current popular term for it.  Gone are the days of calling it, being witty.  It had become the art of causing people to become upset at you for what you said, which in turn entertains you and hopefully entertains those around witnessing said trolling.  There are some people that take it to the point where it could be called cyber bullying.  Which is why being called a troll has such a negative connotation to it.  I admit that sometimes the things I say are not nice, but they were not intended to be hurtful, just funny.  I tend to use this as a defense mechanism, as well as a way to deal with a stressful situation.  Something to break up the tension of a situation.  Or distract attention from something.  It is a spiral that can land me into trouble some times.  The more stressed I am the more sarcastic I tend to become.  That is a bad situation when arguing with anyone.  Because I get stressed I make a joke, they are angry they don't find it funny the respond poorly or angry to the joke, which leads me to become more stressed so I respond with more jokes.  Suddenly I am in lots of trouble when it was really something very small to start off with and I could have avoided the fight by just keeping my mouth shut.
      Shifting gears at random since I am writing this while I am also working, It has come to my attention, when we think think of accents we think of how accents sound when someone from a different country speaks English.  I wish I had the perspective of say a German speaker, that could hear that it was an Irishman speaking German in an Irish accent.  The concept of it sounds strange but it is completely possible.  Speaking any language you'll speak it in your American accent.  A native speaker of that language gets that unique perspective.  It is fascinating to me.

     I've been told that these wall of text I put up could be less intimidating if I threw a few pictures in to the blog to break up all the text.  That way people don't think they are reading as much as they are all at once.  The problem with that is finding a picture that is not too distracting to the reader that they stop reading and stare at the picture... Or maybe you're just staring at Rita Hayworth.  I know I would be.

     Sure she's distracting.  I should probably  find a different picture to put up.  It is however interesting enough to make people actually stop to read a little.  Maybe I'll talk about Rita Hayworth, but really I'm not going to talk about her.  To be perfectly honest, I've really only looked at pictures of her.  I've never put the effort to watch any of the films she was in.  I might say more about her if I did.
   Instead she is just this pretty lady that I found out
about watching the film "The Shawshank Redemption"  as is for most of the people who talk about her.  I could read the wiki about her and educate myself, but then I might find she is less of the angel I picture her in my head.  It might destroy the image of the person she is that I have build up in my mind.   I'd rather just keep her as she is in my mind perfectly innocent...

Okay maybe not THAT innocent.


     I figured a smattering of images on a blog might be a nice change to my usual large block of text of misspellings an poor grammar.  It is working so far, I mean breaking up the text enough.  With Halloween coming up, I'm going to have to get my costume together, I'm planning on getting the outfit together for the Velveeta Cheesy Skillets.  It is obscure enough for people to ask me who I am, and not guess right away, and silly enough to fit my personality.  

The trouble is I can't grow a 5'o clock shadow like that in a day, so I'm going to have to spend several days growing a something that any normal guy could get done in a day.  Once that is done it just a matter of putting on the rest of the get up and then profit!

The fact that she looks like she is terrified yet strangely aroused is just what I am hoping for.  I don't know how well this will go.  But who know it might turn out better then I think.
     I'm not sure who will end up reading this, but I hope you enjoyed reading it.  I always appreciate some kind of feed back.  Even thought the most feed back I receive is from my mother.  Which all though sweet and loving as she is, doesn't really count.  I'll see if I can add more ninjas next time a get the sudden urge to write something.  This is just a random rambling of a blog, not informative about society  but then again I never have been much part of society,  I'm just here to distract you for a little while, so you try not to take life too seriously.  I know not as good a some drugs out there, but you can at least be seen with me and not get arrested by the cops... well most of the time.
      You like be because I'm a scoundrel.
           Ian

More Exciting things than this would happen.

Stock Photo not actual snake in House

   Typical Friday morning, I woke up took a shower, made some coffee, ate a bowl of cereal.   Tried to win a few Battle Ground matches in WoW. (Yeah I still play it.)  When suddenly out of the hallway it hear "Eww, Ian! come here quick! There is a snake in here. In front of my room!"  Well I was losing this BG anyway might as well go investigate what Wendy's mom sounded so worried about.  Sure enough there was a small snake laying quit lethargic looking on the carpet.  It was about 8 to 10 inches long.  Not what I would consider a big snake.

Now with snake grabbing action!

 I later identified it as a Bull snake, which can be as big as 8ft long.  So this was a baby.  I could tell already by the shape of it's head and coloring it wasn't venomous so I wasn't worried about it.  I asked Teresa to get me a stick or something I can use to grab it.  I had all intention of simply pinning it down and picking it up, but she came back with that As seen on TV gopher grabber thing. 

     Olist was very interested in the snake she walked up and sniffed it and then batted at it,  it moved a little but didn't really run off for me to have to chase it.  I was glad I didn't have to pick the snake up by hand. Not because I was scared of the snake, more because, when a snake is frightened, it's going to shit all over you and I didn't want that smell on my hands all day. So after shewing Olist away from trying to "play/kill" the little guy.  I picked him up and carried him outside.  Olist followed me like I was about to give her a treat. Which didn't make the snake very comfortable with its situation.  

The Courageous Hunter

It ended with out much any incident, nothing was injured except maybe Olit's play time, or the snakes sense of dominance over it's domain.  I headed to work, now telling Wendy is going to be the fun part.  All in all I'd rather be making the Kessel Run. You like me because I'm a scoundrel.

   - Ian

I just put a debt mark on my head, and my co-workers at the Bounty Hunters.

       In a some what fool hearty move, I've posted the link to this blog.  I am soon to be inundated with comments of poor grammar, poor spelling, and that thing you do when your keep tying bear instead of bare, which was just pointed out to me.  I know I'm going to regret doing this, especially since these guys currently are in need of entertainment.  I just provided  loads of it.  I'll probably have to update this more often than I do.  As of lately it has only been an update when I felt inspired to write something.   Now I'm sure I'll get semi regular visits to check on my updates, and what grammar and spelling errors I can make.  I've already developed a reputation for telling long boring pointless stories in our /b/ chat at work.  They kicked around the option to make a blog of these.  The idea was quickly canned with the knowledge that I would enjoy that kind of blog.  Thus riding them of the enjoyment of  torturing me with it.  I soon informed them that I already had a blog full of "Ian" stories.  I've made my bed now I have to sleep in it.

Speaking of which, in an attempt to get out off the house this weekend to find an air conditioned building to be in for a while I went to Handcock Fabrics with Wendy.  Suddenly I'm now the owner of a Star Wars, fleece throw.  I made it myself not sewing required, just sniping the dotted lines for fringe and tying them together for effect.  Ages 5 and up. Very comfy I recommend it when you'r AC is working or it is cool outside.

   Since I had previously forgot to inform my readers that the AC in the house broke over the weekend,  I now have.  It was awful,  I didn't get any sleep over the weekend, until the unit was fixed late in the afternoon on Sunday.   During that time, the stress level of my dear sweet Wendy was sky rocketing due to the heat.  I took everything she said in stride.  Naturally my ability to appear completely unconcerned about things caused her to become angry at me.  I knew in my head I had things under control, which is why things didn't bother me.  Of course the heat was uncomfortable,  I just prefer to remain in a state of "zen-like" calm.  It helps me deal with these situations.  Just like in moments of high distress I am always looking for a joke to make.  I am glad yet also frustrated that I don't deal with stress the same as what a "normal" person does.  I just need to come out of my own little world and tell Wendy, "Chewy and I got this, you two say here." I don't know who Chewy is yet in that but meh.   Just read and smile, that's all you're here for anyway.  You like me because I'm a scoundrel. 

Ian Serna

Would my apathy make me evil?

Over the past weekend there was much crying and mourning over the victims in the shooting in Colorado.  Not the first time this kind of thing has happened in Colorado, maybe there is something in the water up there.  Anyway, there is all this yelling and crying about it being a horrible evil event.  There is many people talking about how sad the situation is, and there is much analyses over why the individual did what he did.  There are people who start crying for gun control.  There are people who defend that guns are not the cause.  Though my stance is just not to own a gun, so I simply chose not to take a side on that debate about gun control.  I don't hunt I don't feel the need to own a gun. 

     What is really bothering me is the lack of feelings I have.  I don't feel any kind of empathy for those people who have lost their loved ones.  This is odd because I can relate to what they are feeling.  I just don't really care.  It also makes me a little annoyed at how people are going to capitalize on this kind of thing.  Be it political or other gains people will jump on the opportunity to take something away from this.  Maybe a film or something like that will be made; much like my rant about the World Trade Center film, which did very poorly in the box office. 

    It is hard for me to think of this to be any worse than the 100s of people that are getting killed in other countries.  It is just something that happens in our country there is a public outcry to do something.  Meanwhile in other countries war lords are making child armies. Here in America it is at first taken as some kind of cause to get behind, and by that people clicked the "like" button. On their computer screen while sitting in their air conditioned room, probably listening to the latest pop song and drinking a soda.  Some people realized the utter ridiculousness of the concept of thinking that clicking a "like" button isn't going to change the world.  When that was realized the movement became a joke that, people would poke fun of the people too ignorant to realize their "like" vote is meaningless.  Then the activist that started the movement was found naked in the street.  Rendering his campaign less than creditable, this is now quickly forgotten. 

    Should I feel any more compassion for these people who died in my country than I do to the thousands of others that I don’t?  Saying this kind of thing is probably going to make me less than popular with people.  I just can put on a sad face this kind of thing when there is other suffering all around the world. 

      Americans are a very privileged type of society; I am not saying I am above that kind of privileged life.  I'm sure I am just as sheltered as the rest of the people in America.  The daily horrors that people in other countries are something I don't live with.  Who would wish to inflict that kind of suffering on them willingly and not have some kind of agenda in mind.  There are very few selfless acts.  Everyone has made choices with their own interests in mind. 

    This guy decided to drop out of his PhD program and then go to a packed theater and shoot a bunch of people.  I'll throw my own theory in there with the rest of the people coming up with reasons.  He didn't do it because he was crazy, he didn't do it because he wanted to hurt people.  He did it because his life felt empty and as if it didn't have a meaning.  He did it to become infamous.  He is now; he's added himself to the history books.  As fleeting as such a thing is fame.  People what to have it.   The impact of his actions has not really taken hold of him at the moment.  If it ever does maybe he's already thought about the reactions to such a crime.  Maybe he had hoped to be killed in the altercation, maybe he surrendered without a fight because he just wanted to spend the rest of his life in quiet solitude. 

     Seeking the death penalty for this crime is very likely, the problem I feel with that is, it really is letting him get away easy with his actions.  He'll never really grow old enough to understand what it is he has taken from those victims.  To lose your life, while a scary thought once it's gone you don't really care anymore.  To lose the life of someone you cared for is a whole different kind of feeling.   There is more to the code of Hammurabi than people realize. 

     Is there something wrong with the way I function as a human that feeling sad for a total stranger is foreign to me.  I deal with tragedy in my own life by making a joke or trying to add levity to a otherwise serious situation because that is how a feel the best way to deal with it is.  Dwelling on the sadness is something you might have to do but wallowing in it is something I can't do.  I'd much rather laugh than cry about something.   This really makes me look like an asshole when I crack jokes about not having to spend money on Father’s Day.  Or saying there's more food to go around the Thanksgiving table or that I don't have gifts to get on my sister's birthday, oh wait my girlfriend has the same birth date! Dammit, well can't win them all.

     What I am basically saying is, just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand. Try not to get too upset over my lack of tears and expressed sadness for this kind of thing.  I probably step on a lot of people toes and piss in a lot of people's cheerios with this kind of outlook on life, but I can't change the way my feelings work.   You hate me because I'm a scoundrel.

Ian Serna

I'd stay in shape running for my life.

     I decided to start running on the treadmill that Wendy bought.  I tried it out the first day, it took almost an hour to walk a mile.  I didn't mess with it for a week, last night thanks to the dropping of the Diablo 3 servers, I decided to kill some time by running on the treadmill.  I think the treadmill is trying to get me to work out way over my current ability.  I hit the "Set Goal" button and picked distance.  I was planning running a mile until I could that that mile down to a 5 minute mile.  Or around there if it is possible.  But when I hit the "Set Goal" button the treadmill was like "Ok, you are going to do 3 miles in 30 minutes at 6 miles per hour GO!"  I was like whoa whoa! hold on, what the fuck am I a 3 year old with unlimited energy?  I had to dial it back to just 1 mile, I couldn't set it to 1.5 miles so I could have a cool down walk after the mile was over.  I am sure that if I tried to set the thing to .5 miles the machine would just laugh at me.   Cocky machine don't make me go all Sarah Conner on you.   I kept the 6 mile an hour pace, I figured I could keep that up for a little bit.  I managed to get to .3 miles before I had to slow down.  I don't think I'm in as bad as shape as I was before I started working at Trion, since I have been playing dodge ball on break for the past few months.  I am running in bear feet, which Wendy says is weird.  Maybe I should wear shoes but I feel more comfortable on bear feet than anything at the moment.  Maybe I'll change my mind once I trip and rip my toe off.  Until then I'll just keep up with what I am comfortable with.  So now I am going to try and keep myself motivated by the simple little thing that Day 9 from Day9tv said on a recent cast of his show.  "I'm not here because I'm better or more knowledgeable than any of you out there,  I got here because I just showed up."  So from now on I'm just going to show up on that treadmill every day.

I might know when to shut up.

     Right before heading to work this morning, since I usually show up an hour early.  I was reading a post on a friend's facebook.  She's not what I would call a close friend, just one of those people you met in high school and she sent me a friend request and has yet to really interact with me. Nothing I post ever gets comments or likes from her, I don't really care I'm just trying to establish how our interactions on facebook go, if you could call one side completely ignoring the other an interaction.  Anyway I will put my snide and witty comments under her status updates on occasion.  Nothing too inflammatory or not from my my perspective.  She hasn't unfriended me yet and no one has posted angry comments in response to my "jokes." This morning amused me.
     She has posted a long update of how life was like a roller coaster bla bla bla... at the end of the statement it was just "I'm happy with where mine is going."  I was hoping for something more profound maybe something more cheery.  I mean yeah I'm glad your happy, but that just that same kind of self service shit people post on their facebook all the time about look how good I have it.  And since I'm a pretty slow reader thanks to dyslexia when I read someone's long status post if it doesn't make me laugh or offer some bit of knowledge or cheer me up at the end I'm going to feel cheated and I'm going to say something.   I know what am I thinking something profound on facebook.   I'm in no way trying to belittle the girls intellect she's a smart girl. I've not seen a post like this from her before which is why is stuck out so much.
     I proceeded to say that I was expecting something more profound at the end of it, so I added my own sentence at the end.  That although grim it made me feel better.  "The sudden stop at the end will cause whiplash, but you'll be able to look back at the amazing ride it's been."  Yes I do mention that you're going to die at the end of your ride. That is something that has become readily apparent too me now since the deaths in my family have come so close together so quickly and not all to older people you would naturally expect to die.  So maybe I'm a little more world worn when it comes to death than a few people around me.
    In pops in a friend of hers that I don't know, she quotes something from a blog she once read not stating who's blog it was so, basically she's not giving credit to the author which is something people do on the internet.  The comment is again an analogy to the roller coaster and life, it isn't very good.  I state that I still like what I said better.  Then it kind of dawns on me.  I post again, stating that life would suck to be like a roller coaster.  The idea that everything you do is already on a preset path is awful.  Nothing you do is going to matter and it's not going to change.  I would much rather make the analogy that life was like life on the open seas.  The same concept of being on the roller coaster ups, downs, calm seas, rough seas.  Yet you could go anywhere you wanted.  And if you didn't keep your ship together when the storms hit, it can be brutal.
     I thought that was pretty good.  So then I left for work feeling pretty good about myself.  Then as I thought about it, I realized that what I did could be considered rude.  Which is how it dawns on me that what I did could be considered rude.  I takes me at least an hour of pondering to go "Oh hey, you're kind of an asshole."  I said to myself as I was getting out of my car "I wonder if anyone thinks I'm an asshole." I laughed and restated since I know there are plenty of people that know I'm an asshole.  "I wonder if anyone who reads those posts, thinks I'm an asshole."
   It wouldn't really bother me, it just struck me as amusing this morning that once again after years of this kind of behavior, I think what I am saying is amusing, but really it is just me being a jerk to some one.  I do that more often than I realize and when I do realize it, I can't but just continue to laugh.  Maybe its out of embarrassment maybe it's just because I don't care.  "I'm not in this for the revolution sweetheart and I'm not in it for you princess I expect to be well paid."

Ian Serna

I probably would be just as awestruck.

     I've not done one of these in a while.  Guess just all the work and such I've not been able to keep my mind on track long enough to write things down.  Maybe I just didn't feel the inspiration to write anything.  Well this morning I did.  Just like typical mornings go lately it involved me waking up, taking a shower, making some coffee, then sitting down to my computer to check email, do a daily quest, and read updates on facebook and the like.  What really got me thinking about how much I've taken those last few things for granted are.
     Last night, just for the sake of finding something to watch on Netflix I watched a documentary on the start of video games.  I got to see the same history of video games I knew before, but it suddenly struck me, the people who crated the technology we are now using, as they were making it.  I think they had a little bit of an idea of what they could do with it.  I don't think they even could fathom however what has been done with it.  The ability to manipulate an object on a screen back in the early days was amazing.  Now we don't even bother to think about how a mouse on our computer screen works. Or even the fact that I am typing on a thin bit of plastic and words are appearing on a screen.  Then when I press the publish post button, it is sent out all over the world for people to read.  I didn't have to ink up a printing press, and place letters in a plate, run the press, cut the paper and walk around town and get people to read this by handing them a physical object.  No you are look at this as it appears on your screen as liquid crystals cool and heat to display the images of words.  You got this from the transition of little electrical signals that turn on and off representing 1's and 0's of logic.
     As I looked at my email today I had an invitation to play the beta test of a game that I was interested it.  I didn't sign up to be asked to play that beta test.  Somewhere in this vast information superhighway we call the internet, my preferences were discovered and my email address was used and I was sent an invite.  Nothing is completely anonymous.  Everything you do on the web is connected to you.  I am not saying this to be freak you out with conspiracy propaganda or anything of the like.  I am not saying being so hooked into the web is amazing.  The data we place on the web of our likes and dislikes are essentially making the web, a best friend that knows everything about you.  Yes the information is something advertisers can use to manipulate and sell you products.  I have new for you, if they can tell what you like from just the information you posted on the web about yourself, then chances are the things they are going to try and sell you are things you are probably going to buy anyway even if they didn't place it right in your face.
     Last night as I was falling asleep watching the same few channels I subscribe too on youtube, I decided I liked the music that was playing in the background, low and behold she had included the title of the song in the description of the video.  Suddenly, I am looking up the artist and going through other songs they have posted on the youtube.  Then this morning, I find myself on my amazon player, downloading selected songs from the artist.  It is something we take for granted almost every day in this time.  I heard music that I liked from some one miles and miles from me.  I looked it up on this tiny magical box that is not connected to anything.  I it use as a phone, and more often a clock to tell me what time it is and what time to wake up. Now in the morning I am purchasing that music that I listen too on it.
     I guess what this is really about is, holy shit technology it has become so easy to reach information that it is hard to imagine that people will still hold such limited and ignorant views of the world.  I can see the reasons though.  Among the wealth of information there is a torrent of distractions and misinformation.  It is easy to become confused, you don't have any credit or way to verify most of the information you get on the internet.  I like to think that I can spot the bullshit from rest.  I am not going to say I always can.
     This is just me having a sudden realization.  As meaningless as I feel when I look up at the stars the things that we have accomplished so far as a young species still strike me as amazing.