I was given a question to think about the other day. I've thought a bit about it, but since I can't seem to quite place my finger on an exact reason I thought trying to work it out by writing it out my help. I was asked, why happened to me that made me so mean, sarcastic, and selfish. I thought about it for a while and my logic seemed rather secular. I've been an internet "Troll" since before the term was even invented. I would comment on forums, pointing out peoples mistakes not in spelling or grammar which I myself and horrible at. More like flawed ideas or logical thinking. I would also go into chat rooms and make sarcastic remarks to people. Which is hard to understand because unlike vocal communication sarcastic resonance is not registered in text. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, I would crack wise to adults, and other kids. I'm not sure what the adults thought of it. I am sure the kids didn't quite understand what I was saying. I would either have to explain it, or they would just not like me for being strange. I try and think about what made me like this. Maybe it was the Calvin and Hobbes books I read as child. The wise cracking child intelligent beyond his years but still lacking in wisdom to understand make believe is not without its consequences when applied to real life applications. Those books might have been a factor. I have this strange habit of adopting the characteristics of people a admire. People can always tell when I am reading Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy again, because my writing style becomes that of many non sequitur tangents and strange sentence flow, just like the writing style of Douglas Adams. A similar effect happens with much House MD, currently I am exposing myself, probably too much, to The Big Bang Theory and have started pointing out flawed logic and simple mistakes. Normal people would either not notice them, or wouldn't bother pointing them out. The mistakes essentially don't affect the outcome of the message.
It maybe that I have a desire to be liked, but the things that I find to be likable in a character such as Gregory House, or Sheldon Cooper, are in a sense likable because their actions are scripted with peoples reactions in a universe that finds them to be tolerable people. If I treated people that way all the time in real life, I would soon find myself without many friends. Which has happened before. The problem with this is I was acting this way before those characters were known to me. Their presents merely enhanced the actions.
Maybe it has to do further back in my childhood. I was the middle child of a family of 5. Feeling so invisible as to this day my mom thinks my younger sister was the middle child. Which is not true, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 4 is not in the middle of this, granted she likes to point out that their first born was 8 years apart from their second child, but that makes little difference to me. If anything my older brother took even more attention away from me than if he were only 4 years older than me. His actions to this day are still given prime attention by my mother. It baffles me that some one could be so much like that, even as old as he is he still seems to be acting like he was only 18. The point here is that I found that staying quite would allow me to avoid being scolded for misbehavior, and that making jokes would get me attention by laughter. Even if they were cruel jokes, the subject would not find it funny but the rest of my family would. Here in lies what I think to be the catalyst to my behavior. I've been told that I can't act like that. I need to be nice and polite and respectful to others. The truth of the matter is, I have the great feeling of insincerity when I offer a compliment to people, especially people I already care for. I feel as if I am forced to say it. I will have no problem offering a compliment some one I don't know, because I am trying to gain their friendship. I tend to be very quite among people I need to get to know. It has been that way for a very long time, Once I feel comfortable around a new person I am able to talk. Once that I am comfortable and I will make jokes, that are sarcastic, or mean. I don't know why, I have no reason to be mean to them but that is how I feel my way to express my feelings toward that person. Much like the little boy hitting the girl that he likes on the playground. I seem to have modified that from being a physical act to a verbal act. I'm sure a psychologist would give me a more detailed analysis of that act. That still leaves me with why I am the way I am. It is hard to change that fact about me. I have tried to improve my actions by saying "Thank You" to people. It is forced, each time I have to go through a mental process of, "This person did something for your, the appropriate way to act is gratitude, look at them and smile. Now say Thank you." All social niceties for me are difficult to express, I am often seen as rude or a snob. This may sound strange, but it is exactly what I have to think about before I am able to express them. Nearly every time. I'm not intentionally rude, I just don't seem to have automated manor. I know my mom and dad taught us manors. Though even as a child I didn't look as adult as superiors I thought of them more as equals. What would be considered being disrespectful to my teachers would be when I would call them by their first name. The only teacher that explained that to me, suddenly had my most respect. Robert Denison, said "I am Mr. Denison, my first name is Robert, which adults can use. Until that time that you graduate, and you become an adult, you call me Mr. Denison, as soon as you graduate you can call me Robert. It made sense to be, I respected that wish. I've called other teachers by their first names, not out of disrespect but it simply grabs their attention faster than calling them Mr. or Mrs. whatever, maybe it was disrespectful I'm really bad a judging that kind of thing. I've even called aunts and uncles by their fist names, removing the aunt and uncle title. I always get odd looks when I do that.
I think this helped me understand a little better the way I act. It really didn't give me any epiphanies as to how to change that behavior or why I act that way. It would be nice to be a regular polite person. Than again my personality is what makes me, me. If I were a nicer guy and didn't use humor, satire and sarcasm to express my emotions I wouldn't be Ian. I certainly would be a scoundrel. You like me because I'm a scoundrel.
Ian Serna
I told Wendy that I found something funny about the films I was watching last night. Her response was "Is it normal person funny, or is it Ian funny." I didn't know what she meant so I asked her to clarify. "You're evil and so, what you find funny isn't what normal people find funny." I'll give her that, I've been called evil be a lot of people. I'm still really interested in what level definition of evil I am. I try not to really think about it, I can't say I don't feel a small amount of pride at being called evil. I often have a bit of empathy for the villains in films. I digress, I described the scene of the film and why I found it funny, she said it was 'Ian funny' and not normal person funny. I didn't press the matter I simply thought about it. Maybe I would look a little out of place in a theater if I was laughing out loud at the situation, as I was in the bedroom. 